You Need to Shave, Ever Heard Of Depilation?
by ilfreitas
Summary: Remus can't sleep, so Sirius decides to tell him a fairytale. "'No one says to The Bad Wolf he needs to shave'" SiriusxRemus One-shot


**Disclaimer:**** Remus married Tonks in the books. So obviously the books are not mine.**

AN: VOTE ON MY GAME _Pairings You Never Thought Of_ Oh, and on my poll! :D

**You need to Shave. Ever Heard Of Depilation?**

Remus couldn't sleep.

He turned around in his bed.

And again.

And again.

And one more time.

He sighed.

He turned again, but this time to see the clock. It was four am.

He yawned.

"Bugger, why can't I sleep?" he mumbled, giving up and opening his eyes to stare at the ceiling.

"Moony?"

"Sirius? What is it?" he whispered back.

Reus heard the other boy getting out of his bed and crawling in on his.

"Can't you sleep?" he yawned.

"No. You?"

"I can't either."

"At least tomorrow is Sunday."

"Yeah…"

"Why are you over there? Lay down." Remus shifted to let Sirius get under the sheets next to him.

"Thanks. Hey, Moony, Wanna hear a story? Maybe we can fall asleep like that."

"Sure." Remus mumbled, looking at his friend, and tried not to shiver as he felt the other boy's breath in his face. Let's not mention feeling him against hs body.

"Evans told me a while ago, 'cause I didn't know any muggle fairytale. I think I remember the basics."

"Which one is it?" Remus, by having a muggle mother he was familiar with those stories.

"Little Red Hood." Sirius grinned "It has a wolf on it."

"Tell me, then, Padfoot." Remus smiled.

"So, there was this little girl who always wore a red hood, so people called her Little Red Hood. One day her mother told her:

'_Little Red Hood, my darling, for no other reason but the for plot of this story, you're going to walk across several miles to give this food I cook to your gramma, even if she had survived so far without my cookings.'_"

"Are you sure that's how it goes?" Remus tried not to laugh.

"Positively.

So the mother gave Little Red Hood a basket with the food and said '_Little Red Hood, you go to your grammy's house by the road and not by the forest. I know it's prettier and it takes ten minutes instead of two hours, but you __must use the road.__ And this isn't reversed psychology.'_

'_I know, mother.'_ Little Reed Hood rolled her eyes.

'_I repeat, use the road. The forest is dangerous.'_

'_Yeah, yeah, I heard it on the first time.'_

'_Then farewell, my darling. May this go as I hope.'_"

"That sentence didn't make that much sense." Remus pointed.

"Shush, let me tell the story, will you? Little Red Hood left her house and soon after she was walking down that road. Then she looked at the forest and though _Huuum, mother said it was faster and prettier by the forest, and the whole 'don't go through the forest' seemed reversed psychology… so I better go there._ And Little Red Hood went to the forest.

Then, forgetting why she was there, she kneeled and stared at some flowers.

'_Ooooh, pretty flowers~!'_

But someone had heard her say that and a wolf appeared.

'_Hey yo, what are ya doin' here, lill girl?'_ the wolf said.

'_Sorry, my mother says I can't speak with strangers, and I don't think it was reversed psychology that time.'_ Little Red Hood said, still looking at the flowers.

'_Alright, then. I'm The Bad Wolf.'_

'_I'm Little Red Hood.'_

'_There ya go, see? Not strangers 'nymore. So, whatcha doin' here?'_

'_I guess you're right. I'm going to visit my grandmother. She lives up that path, see?_ She pointed '_You can even see her house from here. I have here food for her.'_

'_I see… hey, can I have a lill bit of that food?'_

'_No, sorry, it's for my gramma.'_

' '_T's alright. But, look, I know a better way to get to your gramma's house. Instead of going by where you where goin', why don'tcha do that shortcut? It has more pretty flowers.'_

'_Sure, Wolfie! I'll go! Thanks~!'_

And Little Red ran singing some stupid song."

"I knew there was a song somewhere." whispered Remus, who had tried not to wake his other roommates with his laugh.

"And then," Sirius smiled "the wolf ran to Little Red Hood's gramma's house and knocked on the door.

'_Who is it?'_

'_Yo, gramma, it's me, Lill Red Hood.'_

'_The door's open, you can come, my child.'_

The Bad Wolf walked inside to her bedroom and they stared at each other for a while.

'_Hi.' _The Bad Wolf said.

'…_You need to shave, girl. Ever heard of depilation?' _

'_No one says to The Bad Wolf he needs to shave!'_

And so The Bad Wolf ate the gramma."

"Ahahahah…Stop for a moment, Padfoot…ahah…I need to breath…" Remus laughed. "Alright, carry on."

"Little Red Hood had taken longer than necessary because she got distracted with some butterflies and more flowers, and another Bad Wolf also gave her another false direction on her way. But she ended up at her grammy's door anyway.

'_Oh shit.' _The Bad Wolf whispered. Quickly he went to the dresser and put some clothes on, running to the bed and going under the covers_._

'_Who's there?' _he asked.

'_It's me, Little Red Hood. Can I come in gramma?'_

'_The door's open, darl.'_

Little Red Hood went to the bedroom and sat next to the wolf.

_Cross-dressing!_, the Wolf though, _I can't believe I'm cross-dressing and ate an old chick so I can eat what the lill girl brought!_

'…_Why, gramma, you have such a big nose!'_

'_It's to smell better what you brought, darl.'_

'_And such big eyes!'_

'_Why thanks, love. I tried a lill bit of eyeliner today. Looks good?' _The Bad Wolf blinked several times.

'_Kind of. And, such a big ears you have!'_

'_You haven't seen me for a while, have ya, kido? Don' even recognize ya own gramma's ears!'_

'_Sorry. And, gramma…'_

'_What?'_

'_You need to shave. Ever heard of depilation?'_

'_That's the second time someone told me that today! You'll pay for it!'_ the Wolf got up and tried to eat the girl. But because he already had her grandmother inside of him he wasn't fast enough.

And suddenly a chopper broke a window and jumped inside the room.

'_Sorry for that, I fell from a tree.'_

'_You're invading my propriety!'_ yelled the Wolf, who forgot that wasn't his house.

'_Sorry for saying you need to shave! Please don't eat me!_' cried the Little Red Hood.

'…_Sorry, madam, but your granddaughter is right._' Said the chopper.

'_You're going down!' _the Wolf walked to the chopper to eat him, but the chopper pulled out a gun out of nowhere and shoot him in the head.

'_Yaaaay~!' _cheered Little Red Hood.

Then the chopper used his ax to do a caesarean and took the gramma out of his stomach.

It was a messy operation to do on a bedroom, but all went well.

After that, the chopper was arrested for killing a member of a protected specie, The Bad Wolves Who Must Want Food At All Costs; Little Red Hood and her grandmother went for therapy to learn not to say uncomfortable truths to strangers, learn when it is or isn't reversed psychology and recover from the shock of being inside a wolf's stomach and making out alive.

And later they took the Wolf's body out of the house, because it was attracting bugs and animals inside, besides the horrendous smell of decomposition. The End."

"…Wow…." Remus laughed "That was the most amazing story I ever heard."

"Awwe, thanks, Moony!"

"But I can't help to think this is your way to say that I need to shave while …you know, I'm transformed."

"What! No, Remus, I love you like that! The fur is adorable!"

"What?" Remus bushed.

"I…uh…the wolf's adorable?" suddenly Sirius wasn't enjoying so much how close he was to his friend.

"Well," Remus recovered and smiled "I also love you like that and think your fur is adorable, Padfoot."

"You do?"

"Always did."

"Me too." Sirius whispered.

Tentatively, he brushed his lips against the werewolf's. He pulled away and looked at Remus.

"Why did you back away? 'Fraid, The Bad Wolf will eat ya up?" Remus smirked.

"I would very much like to the Wolf to do just that." Sirius kissed him again.

"Can you two poofers stop now? The story was very enjoyable, Pads, but save the snogging for the morning!" James complained.

"Sorry, Prongs, I rather prefer doing it now _and_ in the morning." Sirius grinned wickedly.

"May this go as I hope." Remus mumbled before kissing Sirius again.

He also rather preferred to snog Sirius then and in the morning. And afternoon. And night. And many other times after that.

He was also rather contempt to know he didn't need to shave as a werewolf. Werewolves and blades don't usually go well together.

Besides, what the hell was a shaved wolf?

* * *

** Last night was the last my cousins were in my house and my cousins spent the whole night with me, hearing Harry Potter stories about certain character's lifes (what? No, of course I didn't tell Moony's or Sirius's. Okay, I did, but a pg13 version of it :3) and one of them slept with me. She asked me to tell her a story. I said I didn't know which to tell now and she asked for Little Red Hood. It was five am and we woke the whole house laughing xD**

**The point is that while I was telling the story I knew I had to write a SiriusxRemus fic with it. I just didn't do it right then because I didn't have my cmputer with me.**

**And I still haven't figured out who is Sirius Black II in the Character List. Oh well.**


End file.
